you turned your livingroom into a bong?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
