but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Randomize
