Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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