I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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