May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
