i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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