I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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