Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
