Will you blow on my dice?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
