I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My cat gives me a boner
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
