Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
