It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
