I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
