$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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