Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
4 words: hood of his car
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
