i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize