I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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