I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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