I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
