Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
