eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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