I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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