But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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