You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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