My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
