They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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