I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
