My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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