Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
