I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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