I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
