life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
