I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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