my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
