Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
