Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
