planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
