before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
