hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
