i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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