Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
