nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
