I'm so fucking centered right now
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
