apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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