On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
