I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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