One girl and one boy is just not enough.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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