Soap is not a condiment
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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