I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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