Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
