Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
