I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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