Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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