I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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