yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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