I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
