My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
