i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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