a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
