apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
