i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
